I Gave My Baby Up for Adoption. Now What?

For the woman who wears these shoes at the adoption agency, the feeling resonates stunningly well, even 14 years post-placement. In the throes of my pregnancy coming to a close and the flurry of communication with my child’s hopeful adoptive mother leading up to the time we all went to the hospital, I will now admit I lost myself in all the chaos. It was a welcomed distraction, really. I wanted to forget the gravity of what was coming. I was going to surrender this child in utero to someone else’s care, and I was going to go home empty-handed. And so, when I got back to my rented tiny condo and my mother finally left to go back home, I sat on my couch in tears and thought, “I gave my baby up for adoption; now what?”

I didn’t know what to do with all of the feelings I had. I was so grief-stricken, but I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought I had no permission to express how I was feeling. I wasn’t regretting what I did, but I was definitely grieving the loss. My full breasts and protruding belly felt like my body was betraying me. I wanted so desperately for my body to go back to normal so I could forget all about how awful I was feeling.

What I have come to understand from years of being a Birth Mom and talking to other Birth Moms just like me is that feelings of grief to this magnitude are the norm. The grief cannot be ignored. But what you decide to do with it is another thing altogether. So, if you are saying to yourself, “I gave my baby up for adoption; now what?” I have some suggestions for you and can at least tell you what definitely didn’t work for me.

What Do I Do Now That I Gave My Baby Up For Adoption?

Being alone with your thoughts during those early post-placement days is a hard place to be. For me, it was a stark contrast to what I was experiencing just a week before. Suddenly, the focus of attention was not on me. I didn’t hear from the adoptive family right away. I think my adoption advocate maybe called me two times afterwards. It felt like no one cared, and I was home alone, left in the dust, to pick up my own pieces. That was how I felt. When I wanted to talk about my hurt, I was met with, “You did a good thing for that family,” or something along the lines that I should focus on the new adoptive parents instead of crying over my stinging loss.

What To Do: Don’t deny your feelings. You are experiencing a significant loss. The pain you feel is valid and real. It is best, before you place your baby for adoption, to work on a grief plan, either with yourself, your adoption advocate, or your own counselor. Some things to consider when you come up with your grief plan:

• Have you ever lost someone close to you?
• How do you usually grieve? (What do you usually do when you are sad?)
• Who is a safe person in your life to talk to about personal things?
• What will you do when you feel sad about your adoption?
• Would you like professional counseling?
• Who can someone call to check on you if you are unreachable?
• Do you tend to use substances or alcohol to deal with feelings?
• What is your long-term sobriety strategy?

Asking yourself these questions and putting together a plan on paper will help you feel more prepared for what is to come. It is important to accept that grief is coming. Taking control of what can be done to help you with the grief process before you are in it can make all the difference.

Avoiding Triggers After Placement

Life does move forward, but there are some things about life that may not be helpful for your healing right now. It is important to be aware of what might trigger you after placement and make a plan on how to avoid them.

While you are walking through the early stages of grief, it can feel like even normal things can irritate your feelings. Things that don’t usually make you upset will suddenly reduce you to a puddle of tears. What can you do to prepare yourself and get a game plan together so you feel confident about handling daily life while you heal?

What To Do:

Plan for upcoming events like baby showers, new baby announcements, and celebrating new births. If you don’t want to go, don’t. It is better to disappoint someone by not going than deal with the emotional fallout you will experience for days or weeks by trying to make someone else happy. Do not sacrifice yourself for someone else. It is time to take care of you now.

There are certain times of the year that will remind you of the adoption, such as the child’s birthday, Mother’s Day, or the day of finalization. Make a plan for what you will do for self-care during those times when you know you will be vulnerable to emotional upheaval or depression. What are some nice things that you enjoy doing or experiencing that you can plan for once a week to keep yourself looking forward to something while you get through a hard season? Schedule sessions with your therapist for that time of year specifically, so you have an outlet for feelings during that time.

Plan Ahead for Grief and Recovery

“Failing to plan is planning to fail,” as they say. Or at least, if you are like me, you have realized how much better it would have been to grieve the loss of my Birth Daughter if I had a plan in place for dealing with what comes with, “I gave my baby up for adoption; now what?” Need some help with a grief plan, or are you struggling with post-placement grief now and want some help processing it? There are resources available to you to get back on track to healing.