The Realities of Mental Health and Adoption Today

When some expectant mothers are considering their options and the topic of adoption comes up, sometimes their first reaction is to say, “I could never do that!” Most of the time, they say that with the force of emotion that lets you know that the question was not welcomed. But what is hidden behind the flutter of words mixed with volume when she utters those words? Why is the topic of adoption such a touchy subject? For many, even the thought of placing for adoption is followed up quickly with, “How would I even survive that?” Many anticipate mental health issues associated with adoption, and they are reluctant to discuss it further. What can we say to those who have legitimate concerns about mental health after placement but are still considering adoption for their children, nonetheless?

In decades gone by, women who made adoption placements were sworn to secrecy about what happened. They were shamed by their families to never tell a soul about their pregnancy or the child they placed. Regrettably, there are still instances of this happening today. Left with nowhere to turn, these muted women were imprisoned by the sound of their own tears and stunted by the memories and the grief they could not express. That, my friends, is the real mental health issue. Trauma needs to be processed, and when it isn’t, it taints everything else in its wake. We’ve come a long way since then, but you will still find a large majority of women much more apt to share that they have had an abortion over divulging they have made an adoption placement.

The Realities Of Mental Health With Adoption Today

When an expectant mom is making an adoption plan, it is important to consider the potential impact placing a baby for adoption can have on her mental health. So, how can you protect your mental health if adoption is a decision you are considering?

Accept Grief: Feelings of grief and loss are part of adoption. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. You can’t avoid grief, and you can’t keep yourself busy enough to forget about it. You also cannot try to dissociate yourself from the baby in your womb. If you decide to adopt your child, grief will inevitably follow. The best thing to do is make a plan for it. Since you know this is going to be hard, there are things you can put in place to help ease your grief.

1. Line up professional counseling ahead of time.
2. Write out a plan for what you will do when the feelings come.
3. Get a friend, a clergy member, or a trusted person to be available for you when you need to talk in between professional counseling sessions.
4. If you take medications for mental health, make sure you stay on them.

Find Help: It’s okay to accept whatever help is given to you when the adoption is new and you are early on in your grief and loss. Many people try to isolate themselves when they experience grief or depression, but accepting help from others can alleviate your burden and allow you to feel and process your emotions.

Find Community: There are communities of Birth Mothers who have placed children for adoption that are congregating online to offer support and friendship to other women who wear their shoes. Many find comfort in sharing their feelings in a space where they believe they will receive non-judgmental listening. There are also in-person support groups around the country for Birth Mothers who are looking for a more intimate connection as well.

Adoption Professionals Should Help Moms With Their Grief

Who you choose to help you with your adoption plan really matters when it comes to dealing with the loss post-placement. Adoption attorneys by and large do not offer any post-placement services following your surrender of your parental rights. It’s just not what they do. Some may provide professional counseling for a specific period of time, with the adoptive family covering the costs, but that’s the extent of their services. The rest will be up to you. Sadly, when Birth Mothers are not offered post-placement services, they languish, stuck in their sadness and frozen in time. No one should have to suffer in this way.

Adoption agencies often tout “post-placement counseling for the lifetime of the Birth Mother,” but typically, it’s an unlicensed person, not a licensed counselor, on the other end of the phone listening to you about how you are feeling. There will be no professional counselors and no roadmap for how to process your grief. Birth Mothers deserve more. Birth Mothers need more.

Any mom looking to make an adoption plan should ask any adoption attorney or agency they speak with, “How are you going to help me with my grief?” Listen to what they say. If they don’t offer you anything comprehensive, then work with someone who does. We need to plan for mental health challenges with adoption in advance, not only for the health of the mom considering adoption, but also for the rest of her adoption triad members. A healthy Birth Mom has a happier Birth Child.