How Does the Absence of the Birth Father Affect the Adoptee?

It is interesting to me that I was faced with the task of writing something adoption related about Father’s Day on the heels of co-presenting Don’t Forget About The Dads for the 2024 Heartbeat International Conference. To me, there are no coincidences. And the funny thing is, with a head full of bullet points and data from presenting, you’d have thought this would have been easier to write. But I put it off and put it off again. The absence of the Birth Father in an Adoptee’s life is certainly nothing new.

More men than not opt out of the whole adoption process altogether, leaving their child’s mother adrift to make one of the hardest decisions of her life for their child alone. The isolation an expectant mom who is making an adoption plan faces is palpable. Knowing she is doing this without the Birth Father’s involvement only compounds the loneliness.

When I was going through the throes of my own adoption plan, my child’s biological father seesawed between ignoring me and the impending adoption to calling me in a drunken rage threatening legal action if I dared to go through with it. I was incensed that he all but threw up his hands and then wanted to blame me for how he felt about my decisions. The decisions I made without his input or support. I was eager to be rid of him. I saw the signing of the adoption papers as my ticket out of the relationship I longed to sever. I thought the final day at the hospital would be all I needed to consider him again, but I was so wrong.

Absence of The Birth Father In An Adoptee’s Life Means Missing Pieces

I sat across from my biological daughter at a dinner table to celebrate her 13th birthday. This was the first birthday party celebration I had ever been asked to be a part of, save the day of her birth. I was elated to be there, to see her blow out candles and sing Happy Birthday. I didn’t expect what came later as we were paying checks and winding down our visit. “ Alex asked me to meet her biological father. I said it would be okay.” I froze a little. The excited butterflies turned into a knot in my stomach. I couldn’t object. My mind fluttered with memories of him. All the empty promises made to me and the horror of uncovering all of the lying lullabies he sang over me when we were in a relationship. I tried to protect her from that. I never expected her to be curious. Why?

By the time I got to my car, I realized that she needed to know him. She needed to form her own opinions about him. She needed to experience him firsthand. She had a right to know him. And did I know him any more? A lot has changed for me in the last 13 years. I prayed he would be able to be the person in her life that she needs him to be. I realized I never shared anything with her about him. No one never asked, so I never said anything. I was content to forget, but she had questions. She needed answers I was unqualified to give. She should be free to pursue them. What did his absence cost her? Was it her peace? Self-esteem? Did she feel less loved because of his absence from her life? Where was I complicit in this?

Where does her pursuit to meet her biological father bring her? I can’t say. But the wondering will eat away at her, things like that always do. I can’t stand by and watch that happen. The absence of the Birth Father in an adoptee’s life leaves scars. Yes, in some cases, meeting the biological father can be just as much of an emotional risk. But the not knowing doesn’t help anyone avoid emotional pain.

What Do Adoptees Do When They Don’t Know Their Birth Fathers?

Brene Brown says, “In the absence of data, we will always make up stories. It’s how we are wired. Meaning making is in our biology, and when we’re in struggle, our default is often to come up with a story that makes sense of what’s happening and gives our brain information on how best to self-protect.”

For Adoptees in open adoptions who do not know their Birth Fathers, there is a great tendency, even from an early age, to try to create in their own minds a picture of who their Birth Father is. With little information and no context, Adoptees tend to do one of two things: Think their Birth Father is a super hero beyond reproach, or vilify him beyond comprehension. Unfortunately, adoptees gather feelings of self worth based on this exercise. A Birth Father who is a villain leaves an Adoptee with one conclusion, he or she must be half villain too. A Birth Father who is a super hero creates feelings of inadequacy in needing to live up to what they perceive as very high standards for the Adoptee to live up to.

This Father’s Day Let’s Acknowledge The Birth Fathers The Right Way

For some Birth Mothers, acknowledging the Birth Father a tall order. A lot has happened, there is hurt. I hear you. Me too. But what is it costing your biological child to not know anything about their biological father? What redeemable quality does he have that you can convey to your child? Does he sing? Can he cook? What were his dreams for the future?

If he is not in a position to be in the child’s life, can we commit to praying for his life to improve? Can we ask The Father of All to be with him on Father’s Day to soothe the father wounds he has so he can be whole enough to be in a right relationship with his biological child and his or her adoptive family some day?

What would the world look like if all Birth Fathers were acknowledged, encouraged, and prayed over this Father’s Day? I imagine the absence of the Birth Father in an Adoptee’s life would be a lot less prevalent. And just maybe our Adoptees would have a little less to wonder about.

-Britt Paladino, Birth Mother, and PR Director for Abiding Love Adoptions