Creating a Good Relationship With My Child’s Adoptive Mother

There is a shift when an Expectant Mother chooses a prospective Adoptive Family for her child. The change occurs when the idea of a family now has faces and names, and it is time to settle into building a relationship with them. Their anxiety over choosing the right family now becomes worry about how a good relationship will be possible. Those feelings are valid. After all, if she goes through with her adoption plans, this new woman in her life will be raising her biological child. It is natural to consider whether or not there will be feelings of competitiveness or jealousy between them. I often heard the common question, “Will my child’s adoptive mother hate me?”

It is important to talk about these feelings on both sides. Adoptive mothers also wrestle with feelings of being liked and accepted. She also wonders how this relationship will work; not talking about feelings allows them to fester. And when we don’t talk about feelings, we start acting on assumptions, and that never leads to healthy open adoption relationships.

Relating To My Child’s Adoptive Mother Was Hard At First

When I was going through this, I admit I was hesitant. I saw myself as someone so damaged and out of place. I didn’t know if she would want a relationship with me. I felt like I had something to prove, and I needed her to know I was not the woman she was meeting right now. I was in a bad place, but I knew I’d rally. How do you convey that to someone you don’t know without a whole lot of convincing in vain? But what overrode my insecurities and assumptions about her was the drive to stay connected for the sake of my unborn daughter. I wanted to be in her life more than anything else, and if that is what I wanted, I had to commit to being in a relationship with the woman I chose to be her Adoptive Mother. That steadied my heart.

Things started small. We had emails back and forth. Nothing too deep, just getting to know each other. I asked her a lot of things about how they were preparing for the baby. I don’t know else to talk to her about. I wanted to know what she was doing, like needing to know she was excited and would be ready when the baby arrived.

Those conversations grew into more meaningful ones as the weeks went on. It didn’t feel like any jealousy had any time to brew. We were too busy getting to know each other. There was an unspoken desire to understand and relate rather than find faults and shortcomings. And you know, for both of us, I am sure we found them, but it was all cushioned in the softness that became our relationship. The work it took to build a relationship with her was worth it. All the anxiety, the uncertainty, and having to trust when I thought I would keel over from doubt was worth it. We have a solid relationship now. We also have an Adoptee who has a lot of confidence because she sees what we’ve built and she relaxes in it. My child’s Adoptive Mother is my friend. We are proud of the relationship we took the time and the energy to grow together.

Let The Relationship Grow And Keep Your Heart Open

Some Expectant Moms and Adoptive Mothers are very different from one another. Culture and age differences might seem to be roadblocks rather than signs pointing to good things down the road. Don’t let that stop you from making something good happen. Building a relationship takes effort and finding things in common instead of focusing on what is different. Allow yourself to share your differences so you can be experienced for who you are. Differences are not bad things; you never know how someone will receive them in the best ways. Introduce your child’s prospective adoptive family to your culture. Allow them to see you. When we share ourselves, others tend to respond in kind.

Get your mind around the idea that everything is not going to be perfect. Are any of your other relationships with people perfect? Loving someone means loving the parts that need grace, too.

Open communication is the name of the game. When something feels like it needs to be talked about, it does. But rather than accuse, ask for more information. Why did someone say what they saw to you? Asking for more information helps keep the assumptions to a minimum. Most people like an opportunity to explain themselves.

Work With An Adoption Agency That Fosters Open Adoption Relationships

Open adoption is the way most adoption relationships go these days. The research in favor of open adoption is overwhelmingly in favor of it. That being said, most adoption agencies are talking a lot about promoting open adoption. What are they doing to ensure that an open adoption starts off and continues to be healthy? Successful open adoptions take more than buzzwords and positive marketing strategies. What are they doing to help you and the prospective adoptive family actually have a healthy, open adoption. What are the tools available to you? What resources are available to all of you to ensure your relationship gets off to a good start? Ask the questions, and work with an adoption agency that gets behind open adoption instead of just talking about it.