Love Isn’t Enough in Adoption

I sat in front of a woman crying at her desk. I was there to consult on the pregnancy resource center’s marketing plans, but knowing that I was a Birth Mother, this Adoptive Mom had something to get off her chest, so I was obliged to set aside business for this conversation. She had shared with me that her oldest child was particularly grieving his Birth Mother. She told me of the difficulties this was causing in the home, with emotional upheaval around every turn lately. With tears streaming down her face, she sighed and said, “Love just really isn’t enough.” Sadly, it isn’t. Love isn’t enough with adoption, and there are many reasons why. We will cover a few for the sake of all the Expectant Moms and Adoptive Parents out there who are alarmed by what was just said.

Love isn’t enough with adoption because adoption involves a lot of emotions on all sides. It is easy to forget that there is a grieving mother who surrendered her child into the arms of another to raise. No matter what anyone does to try and mitigate the feelings, grief is always ready to knock at the door for the mother who decides to surrender her rights to her child. There just isn’t any way around it. How well she will handle her grief also depends on a lot of factors. Mental health issues and substance abuse issues certainly add to the difficulties of going through the very real and unavoidable grief process. But any Birth Mother who has been through this can tell you that her grief is a lifelong process, regardless.

Everyone in the adoption triad experiences loss. That acknowledgment comes at different times, for different people, for different reasons, but it still comes. No one likes to think about an Adoptive Parent experiencing loss in an adoption. They have a baby; shouldn’t they be happy now? If you have ever experienced a loss, you know that nothing erases that loss. You can get anything new, but it never smoothes over the rough edges of a loss. Losses must be processed, or they will fester into some ugly things later on down the line. There are lots of reasons that an Adoptive Parent will suffer a loss in an adoption. Infertility is a loss that must be grieved ahead of an adoption. Some make the mistake of thinking that adopting a baby will make the infertility loss null and void. Adoptive Parents will tell you this just isn’t true. Love isn’t enough with adoption because new love doesn’t eliminate grief.

Infant/child loss is another reason why hopeful Adoptive Parents seek adoption. The loss of the child can never be overcome with another one, either by biological means or adoption. The loss must be processed continually so that the Adoptee doesn’t become the unfairly responsible party for overcoming the loss the Adoptive Parents have experienced. No one should ever put that on a child. Bereaved Parents are highly advised to seek professional counseling for their loss before they attempt to adopt.

Adoptees also experience loss. No matter when a child is adopted, no matter what the circumstances, an Adoptee is going to grieve the family and the life they didn’t get to have. Even in open adoption, there is still loss experienced by the Adoptee. Failure for the Adoptee and the Adoptee’s Adoptive Parents to acknowledge this spells trouble later in life. The best course of action with Adoptee grief is to recognize it and get professional help to process the emotions behind it in a healthy way.

Understanding all that an adoption entails emotionally on all sides feels sobering. It’s okay, getting rid of the ideal butterflies and rainbows scenarios with adoption is good. Because trying to sell adoption as the fix to anything is unrealistic and cruel. Adoption can be good, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t messy from time to time. And love is not enough with adoption because love seldom is enough with anything relational. We are complex beings with multifaceted emotional portfolios. We require more to thrive emotionally than just loving and being loved. Anything that isn’t dealt with hinders our ability to love. So, while love itself is plenty, the things that challenge us to love fully are what we have to deal with, namely trauma and loss.

Does all this mean that adoption isn’t good? Certainly not. Adoption is, at times, necessary. And adoption isn’t going anywhere soon. We live in a broken world that requires imperfect solutions from time to time. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. It just has to come with some ‘Buyer Beware’ notices if it will be healthy.

Adoption isn’t easy. But Abiding Love Charities is here to help all sides of the adoption triad thrive in their roles. Coaching calls for Adoptive Parents, Adoptees, and Birth/Expectant Parents are the key to a successful start to any adoption journey. Contact them directly if you would like more information on their adoption coaching calls.