Competition Between the Birth Mother and Adoptive Mom

Contemplating adoption is difficult enough as it is. There are so many emotions involved in planning to place. Expectant Moms have many feelings about how the baby will grow up to feel about their decision and their adoption journey in general. It would also be fair to say that many Expectant Moms have questions and concerns about how she will be viewed by her child’s Adoptive Mom. After the adoption finalizes, will she receive the same love and acceptance as her child? Is there competition between the Birth Mother and the Adoptive Mom when all is said and done?

Many Birth Mothers are hypersensitive to the relationship between her child’s Adoptive Mother and her. It makes a lot of sense, really. Given the many emotions involved and the admittedly intimate connection between the two, it is fair to say that in some adoption relationships there can be a certain tension between Biological Mom and Adoptive Mom. What can be done about it?

Competition Between Birth Mother and Adoptive Mom Exists.

Some sort of competitive feeling between the two mothers is normal. It comes in varying degrees, but saying it doesn’t exist or wouldn’t exist is foolish. All parties come into an adoptive relationship with a healthy dose of their own shortcomings and insecurities. These things are usually highlighted in a relationship when emotions run high. Many Birth Mothers struggle with what their role is in their child’s life after placement. Being both physically connected and removed from their child’s life can lead to increased feelings of insecurity. What is her role after placement? What should she expect from the child she placed and the adoptive mother as the years go on? How does she handle the emotions without disrupting the open adoption relationship?

The emotions that come from placement and being in an open adoption relationship are complex. All parties must share a great deal of grace as they navigate the emotions of placement and adapt to a new normal. And both the Birth Mother and the Adoptive Mother have intense emotions following placement. There will need to be grace on both sides. For the Birth Mother, there is grief and loss. There will be varied emotions about her decision to place for adoption. Every interaction with her child’s Adoptive Mother will be analyzed through her mind.

It is easy to forget that in the throes of a new adoption placement, there will be stress on all sides of the triad as everyone settles in. That has to be considered, as one might be thinking about how someone acted or thinking about what was said. The stress of a new open adoption is real. No one knows how to do this. It is everyone’s first rodeo. Even if one of them has been through an adoption before, every open adoption relationship is different. So much has been decided between the Birth Parent and the Adoptive Parents, and for the most part, they hardly know each other. Of course, there will be stress and questions about competition between the Birth Mother and the Adoptive Mom. Why wouldn’t there be?

It is Is Important To Have Clear Communication In An Open Adoption.

While it is important to realize that there may be feelings of competition between the Birth Mother and the Adoptive Mom, that doesn’t mean these feelings need to drive or derail the open adoption relationship. It is critical to establish clear lines of communication and solidify the post-adoption communication agreement well in advance of adoption placement.

Understanding roles, responsibilities, boundaries, and expectations is a key part of a healthy, open adoption relationship. How well all parties set the groundwork going forward has everything to do with alleviating the feeling of competition between the Birth Mother and the Adoptive Mom. Before the baby arrives, get as much help and guidance as possible in reaching agreements with these four key areas.

In all cases, it is important to be honest. This implies that it is always the individual’s responsibility to speak the truth in love and be truthful about their feelings, even if it simply means being honest with oneself. If something feels off in the relationship, it is perfectly okay to get clarity. Things won’t always go smoothly. This is a lifelong relationship. There will be bumps in the road, but like all lifelong relationships, working through issues makes the relationship stronger. And a strong relationship between Birth Mother and Adoptive Mom is always in the best interest of the child they share.

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