The Purpose of the Adoptive Family in a Birth Mother’s Life

It is a natural thing to want to consider what the prospective adoptive family’s role will be in the life of a Birthmother. We already know what their role is in the Adoptee’s life; that’s a no-brainer. Who should these people be to the child’s biological mother? Does an Adoptive Family in a Birthmother’s life bear some responsibility in what part they play in her life?

Getting involved in an open adoption relationship has a lot of considerations. It takes work. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing. Most important relationships are worth the effort it takes to make them great. An open adoptive relationship between Birth Family and Adoptive Family should be a healthy one if it is to survive. So, with that in mind, what are the distinct roles for an Adoptive Family in a Birthmother’s life so that the relationship is off to a good start?

What Should An Adoptive Family in a Birthmother’s Life Consider?

When the relationship is new and everyone is excited about a baby to come, it is easy for a Prospective Adoptive Family to start promising the sun, moon, and stars. It’s not usually that anyone is ill-intended. It is that when emotions are high, people tend to say things in the heat of the moment that they might not have said otherwise. These are the scenarios that help a relationship with a Birthmother sour quickly. She feels betrayed, and the Adoptive Family feels offended, once the emotion-laden promises start to wane, but she wants them to make good on them. So, how does one avoid this common pitfall?

1. Work what you want to offer out with the adoption agency or attorney before you offer anything to the Expectant Mother. They are great filters for your emotional ideas.
2. Sleep on it. You might want to give her everything right now, but it is probably a good idea to take a breather and let the emotions settle before you hurt her with promises you can’t deliver on.
3. You have to be realistic. Don’t offer things you know you can’t make good on without a lot of effort. Because when push comes to shove, you might not be able to do what you intended and that will ruin your relationship fast.
4. You can’t fix her and you can’t save her. The Expectant Mom is likely in a bit of a jam for one reason or another. It is not your job to save her. Taking on the role of fixing your child’s Birthmother is going to get you both in a bad place in the relationship. You want to help? Find the right resources to help her and insist the agency and/or attorney help in meeting her needs, so you can focus on building a relationship with her.

What Should An Expectant Mother Watch Out For Prior To Placement With An Adoptive Family?

What advice should be given on the other side of the coin? What is your responsibility in the open adoption relationship and what should you expect? Those are great questions to consider before an Expectant Mom starts to make decisions on the right family for her unborn child. These are the kinds of questions that can make or break an open adoption relationship.

1. “What am I looking for in an open adoption relationship with an Adoptive Family?” You have to decide what you are looking to get out of an open adoption relationship. Expecting they will meet and fulfill every desire because you chose them is not a healthy dynamic to start off on. How open do you want this relationship to be? Visits? Phone calls? Be honest with yourself and make your relationship intentions known to your agency or attorney first.
2. Everyone is nice in the beginning. You have to take some time to get to know the family. This is a life long relationship. Take the time to really know who they are so you understand how to relate to them. Good relationships take time investment. Start before the baby is born.
3. Too good to be true is always a good rule of thumb. If they are promising you everything, you might want to consider if they are for real or not. A healthy relationship doesn’t start with lovebombing. They should be just as curious to get to know you at first as you are of them.
4. If it doesn’t give you peace, don’t do it. There will be doubts along the way, of course. What big decision doesn’t come with them? But you should not be uncomfortable with moving forward with your agency, the Prospective Adoptive Family, or the decision to go through with an adoption plan, in general. If you have hesitations for any reason, you have to pay attention to that. Talk to your agency advocate or a professional counselor before you move forward if you have red flags about anything related to your adoption plan.

How To Ensure That An Adoptive Family In A Birthmother’s Life Build A Relationship With Her That Lasts

Great long-lasting relationships take equal parts commitment and humility. If both parties are willing to stick it out and move past insecurities and fears, a healthy relationship can form. The other part is knowing what you need to work on to make the relationship a success. There are resources to help Expectant Moms, Birth Moms and Adoptive Parents on their journey toward a great relationship. Committing to therapy on both sides is a great idea. Understanding and compassion go a long way also, on both sides.

If you would like some direction on how to have a solid relationship in your open adoption contact us today for resources on making an open adoption a success for everyone involved.