To Those Who Do Not Understand,
Fear, that’s one of the first feelings I remember hitting me when I found out I was pregnant. Along with confusion, doubt, disbelief and many others but most importantly fear. I questioned myself, how could I raise a child? How did I get in this situation? What am I going to do? What can I do? I also questioned God, why he would do this to me, and how could this be his plan for me? Honestly, I think often most people decide to parent because of fear. Fear that people will judge you, fear of what your family will say, fear of if you are strong enough to make other decisions and most importantly fear of the unknown. I did not even know what my choice were, all I knew about adoption was that you give your child to a family that can raise your baby because you for whatever reason, cannot. I did not even know where to start to find someone to help me get this information. I didn’t know what to do or who talk to or how to cope with all of the overwhelming emotions that were flooding me. One thing I did know, was that I wanted my child to have the most amazing life full of comfort, stability, and support. However, I knew I could not provide that for him.
I chose a path that most others would not. Most would turn to their families for support. Others would turn to abortion as their way out. Some choose to parent because it’s what society says you’re supposed to do. I just never had the false hope that everything would be okay, that I would be able to raise this child the way he deserves to be raised on my own. I am still a child; I am still finding my way every day in life. I have no family for support, no money to support a baby. I prayed, I prayed like I have never prayed before. I just prayed for God to lead me where he wanted me and to show me some kind of light in my darkness. “Out of my distress, I called upon the Lord, He answered me and set me free,” Psalms 118:5. Just when I needed it most God sent me an answer. He sent me my own personal angel to guide me and to show me how deep and faithful love can be. He sent me Carrie. The first time I met Carrie she just gave me a sense of everything will be okay and that no matter where this path takes US, she was going to be there by my side. Have you ever met someone that choose to love so whole heartily that no matter what you have been through or what choices you have made in your life ever make a difference? Be it discrimination, drugs, prostitution, abandonment, or hopelessness that at the end of the day she will still love you and cherish you as if you were the most magnificent flower in the garden. Carrie answered my questions, no matter how many I had she always had an answer. She never grew tired of my distress or fear instead she gave me hope. Hope that I could give my child and a great family everything they could ever want. I began to see the light in the darkness and I knew that God had a plan for me after all. I will admit, I was still scared and still weary of what may happen after I placed my son for adoption. How will things be once it is all said and done, but again Carrie never left a questioned unanswered.
Every day I think about him and what he must be doing and how he must be growing, what kind of things he likes to do, what he likes to eat and most importantly if he will one day understand the choices I made. However, I was blessed with the most amazing adoptive family and chose open adoption as my path and I have never had to go without knowing any of those things. They tell me everything I could ever want to know about him, and so much more. We plan visits during the year and I get to watch him grow up and be a part of his life in such a unique way. It’s one of the greatest things to be blessed with the option to see my child and see pictures of him and most importantly to be able to be a part of his life. I know that he will always grow up knowing that I have loved him and always wanted the absolute best for him. Not a day goes by that I do not thank God for all that Carrie and my Adoptive Family has done for me and my child. I have been taught love that I never knew existed and it brings me happiness to know how much we all love each other.
I won’t lie to you and tell you it is not the hardest thing you will ever go through in life, because it is. The loss of a child is something that will always be with me. Over time I chose to replace the pain with gratefulness and selflessness. I chose his happiness over mine own, and I have never regretted that choice.
Open Adoption has changed my life. It has changed the way I think, the way I see other people, the way I see God, the way I walk in my everyday life and the way that I love. Carrie and Vicki take broken and lost women and truly love them. It’s one of the most admirable things I have ever seen. I have experienced the ups and downs of adoption and went from knowing nothing at all to writing my story here for you. I hope that you understand that adoption is complicated, its messy at times, but most importantly that it is an absolutely beautiful thing.